I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
