Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
