I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
