finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
