At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
