Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Come on in and take your pants off
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
