i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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