just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."