speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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