cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
