Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
