I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
