the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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