There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
