My room smells like vodka and shame
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
