I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
