I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
