I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
