He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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