onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
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