I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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