She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
