there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
