The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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