She's JV to your varsity
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
