My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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