My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
