STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
