I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
