He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
