Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
