Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
