There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
