I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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