1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.