I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
