She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
