theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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