Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
