So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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