u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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