i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
