I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
