I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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