This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
