absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
