i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
