I need to stop coming to work sober
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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