there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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