I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
