I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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