alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
