New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
