a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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