69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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