If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
