Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
