just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just high enough for therapy.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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